Better Left Unsaid
by SindyLoo
Summary: "The last he spoke to her, Olivia was doing well. She seemed happier than he had ever known her to be, motherhood suited her and as happy as he was for her, genuinely happy for her, but still he couldn't help but be slightly jealous at the fact that she was so happy while he was miserable. He knows he played a role in his own misery, and isn't afraid to admit it" ONESHOT


**AN: You know the deal- I own nothing otherwise, Dean would still be on SVU and I wouldn't be in a constant state of upheaval over my emotions from this show (yes, I would but hey, at least Bensidy would still be a thing).**

**Lyrics: Someday When I Stop Loving You by Carrie Underwood**

.

_I bet all I had on a thing called love  
I guess in the end it wasn't enough_

Brian looked around the small apartment he now called home, it wasn't nearly as spacious as the one he and Olivia shared, but it was cozy and it's not like he spent much time at home these days anyhow. Since the breakup with Olivia his hours grew more unpredictable and UC work became a lot more appealing. He hated being home, it was a constant reminder that after all these years he was still alone.

The last he spoke to her, Olivia was doing well. She seemed happier than he had ever known her to be, motherhood suited her and as happy as he was for her, genuinely happy for her, but still he couldn't help but be slightly jealous at the fact that she was so happy while he was miserable. He knows he played a role in his own misery, and isn't afraid to admit it; if he hadn't been so scared of change, of commitment then maybe he and Olivia would still be together.

With Olivia, he thought he had gotten it right, and yet, he managed to fuck it up. He managed to lose her, a second time. _That's impressive, Cassidy. _He thought to himself, _most people wouldn't let themselves lose the love of their life once, but you managed to do it, twice. _He shook his head, trying to escape his thoughts before grabbing the leather jacket that sat haphazardly on the back of his sofa and walking out of the small apartment and onto the busy city streets.

The streets were buzzing with excitement, it was a Saturday night in the city and there was people everywhere. He made his way through the crowds and walked until he found the destination he was looking for, The Underground, a quiet bar tucked away from the hustle and bustle of the busy streets. He made his way to the counter, relieved to see an open stool, he sat down and motioned for the bartender's attention before ordering himself a whiskey, neat.

By the time he's halfway through his second drink, he takes notice that the stool beside him get pulled out, "is anyone sitting here?" His eyes immediately rise to see the woman standing beside him, she's tall, blonde and slender and impeccably dressed, "no," he responds briefly, smiling back at the woman who's now sitting beside him, ordering herself a glass of cabernet.

"What's a pretty lady like you doing in a place like this" Brian asks as he motions for the bartender to get him another drink. Usually, she wouldn't be his type, but tonight he can't seem to get his mind off of the woman he loves and he wants nothing more than to forget about Olivia, even if it's just for a little while.

The blonde, Julia, he soon learns, chuckles, "tell me, has that line ever worked on a woman before?"

"I have no idea, its my first time trying it so you're going to have to tell me whether it worked or not," he smiled back at her as he reached out a hand for her, "Brian."

"Julia" she replies, smiling.

They sit there for a while, chatting about mundane things, she's an elementary school principal, and is new to the city. It doesn't take long for him to realize that she's decent company and soon, he's ordering drinks for her.

.

He's not entirely sure how it happened, but somehow he's got Julia pinned up against his front door, his lips running along her neck as she gasps and threads her fingers through his hair. This is wrong, he knows it but he doesn't care, he needs to forget about Olivia, he needs to move on, so he runs hands up her legs, hiking the tight pencil skirt she had been wearing higher up on her hips. His fingers swipe at her over her silk underwear and she moans, a little too loudly, he thinks but he's already too far gone so he picks her up and carries her to his bedroom.

Once they're in his bedroom, he places her on the bed, and looks up at he immediately feels a surge of guilt overtake him. He shouldn't feel guilty, he knows that, it's been months since he and Olivia broke up and it was time he moved on but he wished it wasn't like this. His nights of picking up women at bars had ended with Olivia, with her, he was home, it was the only place he wanted to be. There was no denying their physical attraction to each other, but it wasn't just a quick fuck with her. No, with Liv, it was so much more.

Trying to shake the thoughts of Olivia, Brian makes quick work of Julia's clothes and their lips meet once again, there's urgency in their kisses, and Brian can't help but wonder if she's trying to forget someone too. His fingers creep down her body and find her slick and ready and he groans at the feel of her, "shit, you're so wet"

She looks up at him from beneath her eyelashes and grinds herself against his fingers, "what are you going to do about that?" she smirks at him and he happily slips a finger into her, then another pumping slowly then picking up his pace.

.

He feels himself getting pulled out of sleep, and instinctively moves closer to the source of warmth side him. Lazily, he throws an arm around the woman lying there and he can't help but be completely overcome with an emotion he can't name, guilt, maybe? Everything about the woman beside him is wrong, from the way she smells to how tiny her waist is and he shuts his eyes again, hoping for an escape, hoping to fall back asleep. His dreams were filled of images of Olivia and their life together and he wanted nothing more than to experience that joy again.

It doesn't take long for Brian to realize that he won't be able to doze off again, so instead he gets up and showers then heads to the kitchen to make some coffee. He sits at the small kitchen island and scrolls through his phone, checking the news when he hears soft footsteps, Julia steps into the small kitchen a few seconds later, dressed in the yellow blouse and grey skirt she had been wearing the night before, and smiles shyly at Brian, "morning"

"Morning…" It's awkward, and he doesn't know when he got so bad at one-night stands, this used to be what he did, no commitment, no regret, but now, he doesn't even know how to look at the woman standing in front of him, "would you like some coffee?" he asks, nervously, his hand rubbing the back of his neck.

"No, thank you," she shakes her head and smiles politely, "I should get going." She adds, leaning in and placing a kiss on Brian's cheek, "call me sometime."

"Yeah, of course," he agrees but he knows he won't, he didn't ask for her number last night, he was too caught up in trying to forget, trying to move on to ask for it, and now, he's pleased he did. He knows nothing more would come out of their night together and he was fine with that.

Once Julia left, Brian sat back down at the kitchen and allowed his thoughts to roam back to Olivia, to the life they shared together. To the lazy Sunday's where they stayed in bed until past 10am, wrapped in each other's arms, basking in the love they shared. He would do anything to have that again, but he knows he can't have it. She was right, there was something out there that was better for her, their breakup was the reason she had Noah, and he knew how happy that little boy made her.

His heart ached at the realization that he may never completely get over Olivia. Hell, it took him a while after their first night together all those years ago but now that he knows what it feels like to truly have her, to love her and to have her love him back, he knows that moving on will be so much harder. While there was something better for her, he couldn't say there was for him. She was it for him; she was his second chance at love, at happiness but he's lost it.

.

He sits at his desk, shuffling through paperwork, surprised as he realizes that he's nearly completely caught up, three more forms and then everything that has been waiting to be signed and dated, will be moved to a different pile to be filed. It's almost 7pm, and for a detective, it's definitely an early night. He looks back down at the forms in front of him and doesn't bother to look up when he hears the doors to the doors open, it's not until he hears Tucker's words that his head shoots up, "Sergeant Benson, what can I do for you?"

"Can I have a minute?" she asks motioning for his office, before his lieutenant shakes his head and she disappears behind the closed door.

He tries his best to busy himself, and manages to finish his paperwork just as he hears Tucker's door open, "keep me posted Sergeant, and try to make sure your detectives don't screw this case up."

"Of course, Lieutenant," Brian can hear the eye roll that was associated with the formal response and he couldn't help but chuckle quietly before grabbing his jacket off the back of his chair, a smile spreading across his face when he notices that she's making her way to his desk, "hey" she says smiling and they hug briefly.

The hug is platonic and short but still, Brian can't help but smile as the familiar scent of Olivia lingers around him for a little while, "it's been a long time Liv, how have you been?"

"Good," she says, her smile widening, and he's slightly taken aback her it's radiance,"it's been really good."

Her smile is infectious and he feels his own smile widening, he can't remember the last time she's looked this happy and he was glad that she was finally in a place where she could allow herself to be so genuinely happy, "that's great, Liv. You really do deserve to be happy."

Her eyes soften and she gently places her hand on her arm, "so do you, Bri," her smile never faltering, "are you done for the night?"

"Yeah, hopefully I can get out before another case shows up"

She laughs, and he can feel his heart swell, he's missed this, missed the sound of her voice, the sound of her laughter, "I know that feeling."

They make their way toward the large door and as they step outside, Brian turns to her and shifts his gaze slightly downward, "I was just going to get some dinner, do you want to join me?"

"I'd like that, just let me call my sitter and let her know I'll be a little late."

.

They're sitting in the quaint Italian restaurant, and Brian watches as Olivia raises her glass of wine to her lips and sips it, and his mind wanders back to Saturday night with Julia and he's overcome with guilt, he knows he hasn't done anything wrong, but he can't help it, especially not now that he's sitting with the woman he loves across from him. She smiles at him and it takes his breath away.

The conversation is light and it's easy, almost as if no time has passed between them at all. She tells him about "the guy" in the squad room, about Noah and finally about work.

"So, SVU is working with IAB again? Your squad must be ecstatic about working with Tucker," he says half-jokingly knowing how much the squad at SVU hate IAB but would do anything to get justice. It's something he's always liked about them, they're passionate. They're what cops should be and it's always a breath of fresh air after working to get the dirty off the streets to see a squad so determined to help make the world a better place.

"You know, Bri, I've got to tell you, you were right…"

Brian can't help the grin that's spread across his face upon hearing those words, "what's that? Is Olivia Benson finally admitting that I was right about something?"

"Shut up," she says laughing as she swats his arm, "but you were… about Tucker, he's really not as bad as everything thinks he is."

He raises his beer to his lips and nods in agreement, "he can be a dick, but he does it to make sure everything is done properly. I've learned to appreciate his work ethic, it may seem like he's against people on the force but he knows that with cops, you've sometimes got to be a little more forward than you would with others."

The rest of their dinner goes smoothly and Brian can't help but be affected by the way they were able to pick up where they left off. You would never guess that things went the way they did between them; there were stolen glances, subtle touches and flirtatious banter throughout dinner and during the drink they had after their meals and Brian couldn't remember the last time he had felt so complete. There was something about her that made him feel whole.

He offers to drive her home and she initially declines, but it's late and he insists and now they're standing in front of the apartment they used to call home, the one she's made a new life in and he hugs her. This time it lasts longer than the one they shared earlier. His hands find their way to hair and he feels her muscles relax before she shifts slightly in his arms and he loosens his grip on her. She doesn't move instead, she's looking up at him, and he knows the look in her eyes, he's sure it's the same one he's been wearing all night, she's conflicted.

"Bri…"

_I love you._

He wants to say it, but he can't, it wouldn't be fair to either of them, so instead he inhales deeply and whispers what he's wanted to say all night, what he's wanted to say since they broke up, "I miss you."

"I miss you too, Brian." There are tears forming in her eyes, and it's in this moment that he realizes that she still loves him as much as he loves her, but that doesn't mean anything's changed between them.

"You were right you know, when you said that there was something more for each of us. You were right." She looks hurt, confused and he's quick to make himself clear, "you got your son, and if us breaking up is what it took for you to finally have a kid of your own, then we know for a fact, that something good came out of what we had."

She leans into him, but catches herself and pulls away. He's relieved she did because he knows if she had kissed him, he wouldn't be able to stop but he's also disappointed, because there's nothing he wants more than to wrap her in his arms and kiss her into oblivion, but he leans over instead and places a chaste kiss on her cheek, " goodnight" he says quietly.

She smiles and whispers "goodnight" before entering the key into the door and shutting it behind her, it's not until she's out of earshot does he allow himself to whisper "I love you, Liv" before walking away.

_And it's hard to watch you leave right now  
I'm gonna have to learn to let you go somehow…_


End file.
